Q.A reader writes, “In a nutshell, I met a girl. We spent a lot of time together and got physical the first weekend. I contacted her the next day to tell her what a great weekend I had (a mistake in hindsight.) She then told me she wanted some space (but still wanted to see me)….we went out several more times over the next few weeks and had a great time, but I found her to be less receptive to any type of physicality (and I was always the one initiating things such as holding hands, kissing, etc.) I had considered asking her about it, but did not want to seem needy, etc.
Finally, one day last week I spoke to her on the phone and felt that she was being a bit cold with me. So here’s what I did: I called up and canceled our next date, explaining that I felt we had been spending too much time together, and that something just did not feel “right”. I told her that I did like her a lot, and wanted her to think things over and get back me. Her response was a bit of a surprise to me (I did not expect her to be affected): she cried a bit and said that her behavior was merely a matter of her having been through a couple of tough breakups and she is just very cautious. She asked if it would be okay if we still got together this weekend, I said yes. She was a bit more affectionate on the date as well. We seem to hit it off very well every time we get together. We often plan on spending a couple of hours together but it always turns into an all day (or late eve) date.
I really like her and want things to work out (I see her as girlfriend material.) I am trying very hard not to seem to eager (despite what some things I have said might imply) and don’t want to push things. How do I get her to chase me?”
A.You did get her to chase you. You took a step back when you sensed she was not meeting you in the middle, you did a good job.
However, there may be a bigger problem here, and not with you, but with her. Women are oftentimes very honest and open, if you will put your ego and warm fuzzy feelings for her aside, and really listen to what she is telling you. When she cried on the phone and said she had been through a couple of breakups and was being cautious, she was telling you that she is on the rebound.
People on the rebound are not usually good relationship material for anyone until they have healed from emotional pain they are in, and have put aside the emotions from the previous relationships. If she was deeply in love with somebody, it could take at least a year until she is ready for new love again. It can take one to one-and-a-half years for every five years they were in a relationship to get over it. However, no one will know when she is ready for love again until she realizes it. It takes time. These people can act very flaky. In normal relationships, when people start a new relationship, the love grows. It does not go up and down from a feeling of Friends to lovers, and back and forth… not if it’s ever going to be a happy lasting relationship, that is.
If she is not ready, your timing was off with this girl, and all that is going to happen is that she will reject you again and again… and the deeper you fall for her, the more that rejection is going to hurt. You might be in for one rough roller coaster ride with this one if you cant say “no”. Sounds like she is already rejecting you. She may be coming back to you only to protect herself from rejection – if you are coming at her, she now has the power to reject you – in that case, you are at her mercy every time she convinces you to come back.
Not every woman dates because she has good intentions of love like you do, some are golddiggers. Some are just lonely and don’t have anything else to do on Saturday night. Some have a low level of love or only like you and keep you around as backup until someone she really likes comes along. Some have been hurt and are just keeping you around to ease their pain. Some are not ready for a relationship. Some people should not be in a relationship. Just because she is beautiful and breathing does not automatically make her good relationship material.
If you want to give her another go, just watch her like a hawk. If she does anything less than fall deeper for you as time goes on, unless you like having your heart dragged through the gutter, move on. If ever there is a doubt in your mind about her warm feelings for you, let her go and save your sanity while it’s still intact. Sounds like this girl is on an emotional roller coaster. Don’t let her take you for that ride, you are likely going to crash and get hurt, and it’s going to leave a mark.