Q.A reader writes, “I’m looking for good ideas for a first date. I don’t want to go overboard, and I don’t want to be cliché. This is for a meeting with a girl I’ve been talking to from eharmony.com. I asked some friends, and I’m getting barraged from all sides with everything from a simple meeting for coffee to a fancy evening with dinner and viewing Christmas lights.
I hate being an inexperienced dater. Plus, I don’t know anything in her area, so I’m not sure where to go from there. We spoke on the phone for about four hours earlier this week, and the conversation was smooth, easy, and fun. She seems laid back, adventurous, and honest. I know that’s not a great gauge, but it helps.
I’m going to offer to pick her up and let her decide if she’s uncomfortable with that. I get the feeling she won’t be offended or scared off if I mention it. Do you have any advice for me?”
A.Although it’s possible she might agree to you picking her up at her house, more than likely, that might turn her off and scare her away. It’s too much, too fast. She has never met you before.
What you are talking about is not technically a date. How would a person know they wanted to date a person they never met before? It’s a semi-blind introduction, you are setting eyes on each other for the very first time. While a picture of you may tell her a thousands words, if that’s true, meeting in person tells a million things in comparison.
There are several forms of communication, words is only one… you also have full body appearance, mannerisms, voice inflection, body language, and facial expressions.
Pick an area in-between where you both live. Women like to play tit-for-tat. Don’t let a woman you barely know think you are unnaturally easy. In the dating world today, there is an imbalance. Generally speaking, many men are too easy. Drive out there before the date and find a restaurant that is reasonably well soundproofed, one that does not have loud music, so you can actually hear yourself think.
Restaurants are better than coffee houses for a first meeting. A coffee house can seem a little too much like a business meeting. Don’t pick a fancy, expensive place, but the atmosphere is usually better at a restaurant, it’s more comfortable, the lights are lower, and you get served. Additionally, there are usually benches near the entrance and a bar that offer plenty of places to wait comfortably for people. The more relaxed she is, the better the opportunity she will have for her walls to come down and feel that spark with you. That “spark” women sometimes refer to is simply the beginnings of love, a low level of love.
Give the woman the address, a time, and a day to meet you there. If she can’t make it, let her counteroffer with another day, time, or date, and let her come up with it on her own. If she can’t do that without prompting, either her heart is not in the right place, or she has poor relationship skills. If she can’t make a date, how could she have a relationship? It’s not rocket science.
Finally, you don’t have to spend that much money by going to an expensive restaurant, and should not. Spend the big bucks, if you have it, when she loves you and actually starts doing something for you. Also, if you are going to have to go through this dating thing, you might as well get comfortable and have dinner while you are there, and eat with some eye candy!
Chances are, that to feel a connection and want to let you come to her home to pick her up, she needs more substantial communication with you. The only way to accomplish that is by meeting in person first. What if you meet her and she immediately does not like you, or you don’t like her? This happens everyday. People meet after months of letters and literally end up crying together because they find out they were not the fantasy people they had envisioned. Do you know how it could turn out if that happens? It might feel like an episode of the television show Blind Date that went bad. Most of those people, especially the ladies, know if they don’t like the guy when they open the door, they could end the whole show right then and there on many occasions. With the diner only date, if she turns out to be less than easy on the eyes, and eats like a pig, you can always tell her you are feeling sick and need to leave early. The best part is, you really are being honest! What is on the inside, a person’s personality, is most important. However, attraction is still important, even for women. When a woman says, “He was not my type”, what she really means is that she did not find him attractive.
Electronic communication is very confusing to people because it is unnatural and does not feed the brain with all the information it needs for people to relate to their full potential. That’s why you must make very small moves and meet in person to determine what the next move should be. You have to take things step by step… or should that be date by date? A good romantic relationship is a continuing series of worthwhile dates. Go ahead, make my date!