Q.A reader writes, “Gary, I’m a regular reader of your column and a fan. I have a young gentleman friend I’ve been coaching and playing big sister to. My friend is going out with a bunch of his friends from work this weekend and there will be several girls there. He needs some quick tips on what to do, and what not to do. He just asked me about giving compliments. I told him not to give compliments on their looks, rather on something they say or do. What else can I tell him? I don’t want to send him to the pickup websites (I don’t want to corrupt him), but he really needs help! What suggestions can you give him?”
A.This advice is geared for finding Mrs. right, and steering a man away from heartache and the pain of rejection. Men don’t typically have the good intuition (gut feelings) women do and are the weaker of the species when it comes to love, and they could use help from nice big sisters like yourself. This is because the intuition area of the brain in men is only half the size of a woman’s intuition center. However, by reading my articles and with practice, a man can develop his intuition and level the playing field between men and women. I think you are wonderful for helping this young man, you go girl! I’ll give some information that will help him. In fact, it may indeed change his life when it comes to the crazy cat-and-mouse game of dating and relating.
Unlike the movies, in real life, approaching prospective women you would like to date is more about not saying the wrong things than saying the right things. Giving them compliments does not turn them on, believe it or not. Besides, three-hundred and forty-two other guys who met her before you already told her how beautiful she is, so what’s special about that? The need to set yourself apart from the rest, and women have a mental score-card system. A man who is different earns extra credit right out of the starting gate. Ladies are not interested in your attraction for them. Rather, they are only interested in their feelings toward you, if and when they develop them. So much for unconditional love! This is contrary to the popular psychology which, while popular today, is dead wrong. Some women will likely be physically attracted to you, but some won’t. One of the biggest problems with men dating today lies in that they act too easy to get and give too many compliments. It’s not necessary and can work against you. If you are going for a second date with a woman, you might say to the woman, “you look nice”, but you are better off not giving specific compliments, particularly when you first meet them. Whatever you do, don’t say anything a gentleman would not say. Don’t talk about serious issues where there are likely to be opposing view points, don’t talk about women’s bodies, and don’t say anything about love-making or make any innuendos in that vein, it’s one of the biggest turnoffs to women there is. The vast majority of women today prefer a gentleman, and when you behave like a gentleman, you stand out from the crowd, and can really charm a woman. Keep the conversation light and funny. Love is not serious like the popular psychologists would have you believe. After you are dating a woman and she falls in love with you after two months, you can ease up on playing hard to get (by the way, playing hard to get is really just not being too unnaturally easy) and give more compliments.The bottom line is, compliments, especially in the beginning, do not build up a woman’s attraction for you, and that’s what we need to be concerned with here. We don’t mention your attraction for the woman, it’s a given, because you would not be with her if you did not have feelings for her. It’s a a non-issue. The only thing you should be concerned about is the woman’s attraction for you, because nothing will ever start unless she develops feelings for you first. Furthermore, the more attraction she has for you out of the gate, the better your chances, and the easier it will be for you to build a happy relationship that can stand the test of time.
So instead of wearing your heart on your sleeve and trying to express your attraction for them, which can actually turn them off, play hard to get instead, at least in the beginning. Playing hard to get is simply gentle teasing on purpose because you like them, that’s all. It’s a scary concept at first, but trust me it works, big-time! Playing hard to get can double attraction ( if there is a spark to begin with). What would James Bond do? Do you see him sucking up to women? You may say, “But I’m not James Bond” You have to act the part before you can be the part, fake it until you make it – practice makes perfect.
Start watching and trying to notice which one’s like you. Imagine going into a bar, buying a woman drinks and chatting with her all night, and she goes home without you getting her telephone number. Where does that leave you? With less money and lonely, right? What if after this woman left, another woman came up behind you and tapped you on the shoulder and starts a conversation with you, out of the blue. It turns out that she was eyeing you from across the room all night, because she was attracted to you. Additionally, because she asked initiated the conversation, there is less chance of rejection. Again, be mindful of which women like you. Those are the only ones that you ultimately have the best chance with, nothing starts until they like you first. The more they like you, the better. If you think about it, there are lots of pretty woman around that you would kiss if given the chance, right? To some degree, it’s a number’s game for men. Ultimately, you only need to find one good one. The odds don’t look that bad once you understand how it really works, do they? All these things I’m talking about, how attraction really works, will save your heart, your wallet, and your time.
These strategies only work on women who are sane and have a good attitude (low maintenance), and who find you physically attractive (if you want to be more attractive, workout), they won’t work on every woman, this is my disclaimer. If you think about it, you need those things anyway to be happy in the long run, right? Just because a woman is beautiful and breathing does not mean she is good relationship material or would make a good mother for your children.
Make sure you look and smell clean, and young. Shine those shoes! When I say young, I mean young adult. He is already young, so he is covered. Get a woman friend, or a sister, or other family member to go clothes shopping with you. Women know beauty and cloths, and how to help a man become more attractive, let them help you.
Be a gentleman and open doors for ladies, walk on the outside of the sidewalk next to the street, and hold their hand when they have heels on when walking. Be gracious, say, “Thank you” when they pass the salt, or give you a compliment (on a date, pull out their chair for them).
Be a comedian. What woman does not like Robin Williams or Jim Carry? Get some funny quips out there, some funny lines. If you are not a comedian, smile a lot. Make sure you use the right kind of humor which is clean, non-disparaging, and not potty jokes (unless they are are still in school. Girls at that age often like cuss words. So much for class!). When the drinks are served, take a sip and say, “Just like mom used to drink!” When a car goes by and the horn honks, say, “Excuse me!”, as if your stomach just grumbled! If someone sneezes, say, “You should have that checked out!”, or, “You should have that looked at!” If somebody says their dog drools too much, tell them, “I’m trying to cut down myself”, or, “I’m trying to quit”! Start practicing on your jokes, watch the comedians, but only use the clean jokes. The secret to humor is, laughter stimulates the pleasure center of the brain, the same area feelings of love come from. Like the Cindy Lauper song says, “Girls just want to have fun”. They love a fun and funny man ( the ones with a good attitude, the only kind you want). Do you smell the coffee date?
Make conversation – talk to the other guys or the women who are most approachable, or who are more talkative, or who approach you first. Don’t worry about the prettiest one, or the one you like the most in the beginning. If you are chatting it up with her friend, she might get a little jealous. She may think, “The guys always hit on me first, what’s going on here? I’ve got to find out what’s different about this man!” If she is thinking about you, she is starting to fall, she may try to get in on the action! Women are often competitive with each other.
A good conversation starter, or to keep a conversation going, is to ask a question. Again, get a funny quip or a joke in there if you can. However, let the woman do most of the talking in most cases. have you ever heard the phrase, “Women talk more than men”? This old wives’ tale just happens to be true, they do tend to talk more, generally. Women get some emotional satisfaction from talking. And the more they talk and the less you do, the less chance there is of you messing up and saying the wrong thing! It’s win-win. Remember, you have two ears, and only one mouth. Also, pay attention to them, act like you are really interested in what they are saying, even if you can’t understand what they are talking about! Make lots of eye contact, don’t be looking around the room or look bored. Incidentally, what women say they want and what they actually want when they are attracted to a man, can be two different things. The popular psychologists today have not been doing scientific double-blind testing to see what women respond to in real live dating situations. Instead, they have asked women what they want, but women don’t know all that they want, just bits and pieces of the puzzle. Just being a woman does not automatically make one an expert on women. I have done the real research. Actions don’t just speak louder than words, actions scream.
If you are not positive you will see a lady again, ask for the telephone number. You must have a way to ask her out on a date if you will not see her again. Yes, there is a chance of rejection, it’s one of the biggest moves you will ever make in dating. Don’t worry about how many “Nos”, you hear, every “No” is one step closer to a “Yes”. There is no way to segue into this, you just have to blurt it out after one of you stops talking for a second. Practice asking for womens’ numbers… in the grocery store, at a red light, anywhere, ask Kim, ask your mom, your sister, the dog… the more you ask, the easier it will be, and you will be ready to get Miss Right’s number when she does come along. If you are at a party or a group, if you want to get phone numbers from more than one woman (we don’t know if the first one will ultimately go the distance, right?), that’s good. However, only do it if you are sure the other woman will not see you. Women have better peripheral vision than men, they can almost smell a cheater. Do you smell what I’m cooking?
If you are talking to woman, you want to leave first – beautiful women always leave first. She will wonder, “who is this guy, I always have to be the one to end the conversation and leave”? Maybe she will think you are not interested in her, that’s good! As Jim Carrey would say, “Spooky!” Have some backbone, women prefer a strong man, a gentleman with an edge, not a wimp. If she is thinking about you, she is starting to fall for you! Women usually have the most power in dating and relationships – they have the power of beauty and intuition (gut feelings). Now, we will turn the tables on this elusive creature, the supermodel. Now you will have the power of knowledge about women, and playing hard to get. Playing hard to get with women is like kryptonite is to Superman. It’s their biggest weakness. Again, playing hard to get doubles attraction.
Watch the movies “To Catch a Thief” and “Charade” staring Carry Grant. These movies are old, but not outdated. While slang and music and so many of the technological electronic gadgets and gizmos we have today are new, one thing that has not changed for over ten-thousand years is basic human nature and women, and what they respond to in real live dating and relating situations. Watch the way Carry Grant banters and plays hard to get with the ladies, is charming, funny, a gentleman, and gracious. These two films are the most realistic portrayals of how a gentleman should behave to attract women ever caught on film. You can act the same way with women today, just insert your own jokes and run with it, and women of all ages will be charmed by this behavior. Love does not know age. Also, this information I have given you works for all races, religions, and cultures, from Timbuktu to Tennessee. Basic human nature and women are the essentially the same when it comes to the tango of love, all over the world. If you are not kissing, you are just wishing!