I signed up for the online dating site Match. Match is the best site for men. If you write a great profile with nothing serious or negative, and have good pictures, all men have to do to get a great response rate is to update their profile every day. Updating your profile puts you in the top of the search results. Then, you just sit back and let the wimmin come to you. Simply message the women who have viewed your profile and you’ll have an excellent response rate.
One Saturday night I messaged a southern belle who had viewed my profile and I had a flirty and fun conversation with her. She cheekily said, “Are you gonna come a courtin’?” Within a half-hour, I had Olivia Wilde’s telephone number and we were bantering on the phone together, having a telephone date of sorts. I give good phone! As always, names in this date story of yesteryear have been changed to protect the guilty! We continued to text and talk on the telephone for a week, and we set up a date for the weekend. Olivia has three kids, and has been divorced for two years. The nature of her ex’s work puts him in a power position, he is a control freak. Narcissists are one of the major causes of divorce.
Unfortunately, our plans for our weekend date did not pan out. However, Olivia and I kept talking. Olivia does not have a vehicle now, she lost her car in the divorce, she’s still picking up the pieces. Originally, we had agreed that I would pick her up from her apartment and take her to dinner for our first meet. I normally recommend that ladies meet a man in a public place at first, so that they can judge his character through body language. People are strangers until they meet. Since Olivia did not have a car, I had to improvise. Don’t try this at home! It’s okay, I’m the quintessential gentleman. Like Slick Willy would say, “I never touched that woman!” I’ve picked up a woman for a first meet on a few occasions, yet, it’s very rare. One of my first online dates I picked up from her apartment, but we had extensive phone conversations. Another woman was bipolar, that one does not count! Still, when I arrived at her home, her daughter-in-law was present to take down my name and address. Yet another woman, was a tryout for the United States Olympic running team – I picked her up in front of her condominium, and there was a mall cop present. Additionally, the Olympian, just like Million Dollar Baby the former boxer, could have whipped my butt! Some of these first meetings are reasonable.
Women can be just as dangerous as men, with weapons and the element of surprise. There have been incidents where a woman has enticed a stranger, thinking he was going to get some quick kissing, to meet at her car in a dark parking lot. Before the man can get close to the woman, a couple of men mug him.
With trepidation, I arranged to pick up Chinese food for Olivia and her children. The big question burning a hole in your bwain is, why would a woman let stranger-danger into her home with her children? Is she crazy, or is there a reasonable explanation?
I walked up to Olivia’s apartment and rang the doorbell. I was pleasantly surprised when the lady of the house opened the door. She looked like the actress Olivia Wilde from the movie Cowboys and Aliens, she was absolutely stunning. To my surprise, she tried to kiss me on the lips, right out of the gate, but I turned my head and gave her the cheek. Holy blunder, Batman, I blew the first kiss. Is there any hope for our hero? Hold on to your hat, Kemosabe, this date is just beginning.
I met her smallest child, Joey, first. I knelt and gave him a big hug. Children are wonderful, they are extra wittle people to wuv you. Olivia and her three kids sat down with me at the kitchen table for dinner. I took the opportunity to say grace at dinner. “Lord, bless this food and we who eat it, amen!” That’s an old cowboy prayer. Jim Carrey, my alter-ego was as silly as ever, and I created an instant bond with her children, they all loved me (Sometimes it can take up to two years for kids to warm up to a new man). The eldest girl was sharing her cooking blunder stories. Then it happened. I found out why Olivia was so open to letting this strange Jim Carrey wannabe into her home. Her eldest son asked me, “Do you shoot?” Comically, I replied, “Shoot what? Guns? Photography? Bow and Arrow? Fish in a barrel?” Her son proceeded to tell me that both he and his mother go to the gun range together. Then Bronco Billy showed me their gun collection. I touched them (the pistols). Get your mind out of the gutter! If a stranger made one false move, this pistol packin’ mamma could turn me from a rooster to a hen with one shot! In light of this, Olivia inviting a stranger into her home was reasonable. She’s not crazy.
After a wonderful dinner filled with laughter and smiles, the whole family and I retired to the living room to watch a Movie. Olivia was showing me pictures of her sister who lives in the same apartment complex. I said, “I can’t see it very well, I forgot my reading glasses.” Joey, who was sitting next to me on the couch, got up and disappeared into the kitchen. It seems I had left my glasses on the kitchen counter, and Joey retrieved them for me. This date is like something right out of a Norman Rockwell painting, I feel so comfortable with this family, it’s as if I have finally come home.
After the movie, not wanting to wear out my welcome, I remarked that it was getting late, and that I should probably mosey on home. Olivia escorted me to my Jew Canoe. We noticed that her front door was open, and sure enough, Joey was not far behind us! Joey sticks to his wittle mamma like glue, and has to be the center of attention! I fully expected this wittle man to say to me, “What are your intentions with my mother, sir!”
When I reached for Olivia to kiss her, she gave me her cheek, just as I had done at the top of the evening. Not wanting this wittle filly to get away from me without a proper kiss goodnight, this gunslinger gently gwabed Olivia again and planted one right on her luscious lips, and she tried to suck my bottom lip off! Joey, cover your eyes! Annie Oakley is gunning for me!
Olivia promised to rent a car just to come and pick me up for the next date. She is a nice lady and likes me way too much which is oh so right. I knelt and gave Joey a big goodbye hug. What a wonderful old-fashioned date.
As I sped away down the valley toward home, like the ending of the old western movie Shane, I could almost hear Joey crying out into the long dark night, “Shane, Shane! Come back! Bye, Shane.”
