Date one with Joy Behar was promising and included a goodnight kiss. As an encore, since she liked the outdoors, I suggested we go on a hiking day trip in the Florida Everglades. She had just moved down here, to her old hometown, from Connecticut. I suggested I pick her up, but she declined, claiming that she did not want to bother her control freak landlord with calling down to the guardhouse to let me in her condo-commando gated community. This could be a bad omen. While it’s okay for a woman to meet a man twice, I’d like to see more love level.
So I picked out a restaurant that was on the way, another Flanigan’s. Perhaps Flanigan’s should be my new office? I gave her the telephone number of the restaurant so she would have the correct location and be able to google the address and directions. It’s easier to write a telephone number than an address, it’s shorter. I was surprised when she asked for the address. Does she think I’m her baby-daddy? Will there be baby-mamma drama on date tru?
We met for lunch at Flanigain’s and were seated on the water. It was a picture-perfect day, absolutely beautiful and mild, with clear blue skies to die for. We could not have picked a better day for a day-trip. We laughed and smiled and toasted as we ate lunch, and enjoyed light, cheerful conversation.
After lunch, we left in my car and drove deep into the heart of the Everglades. She was surprised when we drove as far as the county line. We got out of my car and hiked one of the beautiful paths in the Everglades. There was an endless sea of grass, with the backdrop of a breathtaking Prussian blue horizon which beckoned us to watch the splendor unfold. Birds greeted us with song. We saw turtles, alligators, fish, and butterflies. It was as if the whole Everglades was at our feet, teaming with life, ours for the taking.
As we were walking hand-in-hand down one of the paths, she remarked that this would be a good place for an axe-murderer to take an unsuspecting woman! This thought had crossed my mind, but I did not mention it. It’s not the smartest date for woman who does not know a man. However, I’m the wuv guru, so it’s okay! Don’t try this at home kids. I told her I only wanted to kill her with a kiss.
She was a little worried about the alligators, and I quipped that I could tie a rope around her and use her as bait! It’s all fun and games until somebody looses an eye (or a limb?)! I motioned for her to come down the side of the levee with me, but she was skeered. She asked, “Could there be alligators in those tall weeds beside the path?” I told her, “No, the Alligators stay in the water or on the water’s edge. I’ll go first and you follow behind.” She asked, “Will you protect me?” I remarked, “Dat’s my yob!” I spotted several large-mouth bass near the surface, just teasing us, including a rather large one, and I pointed them out to her. Too bad we left our fishing poles in the Batillac. We also saw some beautiful, majestic White Herons.
Joy wanted to take some pictures and use one for a template to paint a picture for her son. We drove further down a long and winding road so I could take her to a secret spot. When we parked, there was a truck parked next to a tree, and a curious bird was pecking at the trucks’ side view mirror. The wittle sparrow must have mistaken his reflection for a rival bird. What a bird-brain!
We walked across a high bridge over a river and walked deep into the heart of the unspoiled Everglades. We saw beautiful open-water clearings amidst banks of cattails, a perfect picture-taking opportunity. As we walked a little further, disgusted by our intrusion, a baby alligator slid off the bank into the water. Every time we would come to an open-water area between the grass, a pair of Ring-necked ducks, startled, would fly up into the great blue sky.
Tired after walking the levies, we returned to the car and I took Joy to a fishing pier. We broke out the fishing rods and sat on the edge of the pier and fished in a deep, tannic, mysterious river. We saw lots of Sail-fin catfish, not native to north america, and not on the menu, I might add. They are algae-eaters, and we were hunting for bear – fishing with lures for those great, green, elusive, largemouth bass which lurk just beneath the glare on the waters’ surface – so close and yet so far. I spotted a Tilapia near the shoreline and pointed it out to her, but she did not believe me. “Those are Asian fish”, she explained. I told her they were imported, not indigenous to the area.
I gave her a couple of spinning rod tips and she was soon fishing like a professional. I had a bite from a fish and I set the hook like a madman. A huge Bass broke the still surface of the water, and was dancing in the sunlight on the end of my fishing line, it was very exciting! No sooner had the excitement started, and it was over in a flash as that mondo bass shook and spit out my hook. Later on, I would have a repeat performance – I had another fish hit, jump, and spit the hook back at me as well, as if to say, “Catch me if you can!” At least we got to see a couple of fish. That’s why they call it fishing and not catching! By the way, I once caught a fish which was so big, when I lifted it out of the water, the lake level dropped!
Tired after a long day of hiking and fishing, we made the long drive toward home. On the way, Joy asked me if I wanted to go down to the beach for the evening, but I already had a long day and too much fun in the sun.
We went back to our starting point, our base, and had dinner at Flanigan’s. I ordered the lemon-pepper Tilapia. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and then I eat it! I had a couple of drinks at dinner, which in retrospect was probably not encouraging to a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. During dinner, a few red flags came out. She mentioned a second time that she recently dated a man who dropped her, he was on the rebound. She’s still friends with him. I think she is on the rebound.
As I revealed in date one, Joy said that she was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. This time, I got to hear more of her story. It seems that Joy had done some drugs in the past, and was a lifelong alcoholic. Additionally, she gave speeches at halfway houses to former drug addicts. Of course, her story reminded me of one of my date stories. I was telling her about a past date who had previously been arrested for selling cocaine. Joking, I said, “That’s right, my girlfriend was a crazy quack lady!”
We finished a nice dinner and I escorted Joy to her car. Before we parted company, I gave Joy the killer kiss. I started with a kiss on her luscious lips. Then, I worked my way down, across her cheek, down her neck and to her collarbone, with gentle, sensual kisses. To make sure she knew that this first world tour of kisses was not an accident, I made a repeat performance and kissed her again, from the bottomus to the topomus! The last time I kissed a woman like this, she demanded I make love to her on the next date.
I did not have any contact with joy until the morning after. Will she still wuv me in the morning? I received an Email from Joy, and unfortunately, she claimed that we were not compatible.
The moral of this story is, don’t ever mention a quack lady around a crazy quack lady! I assume that when I joked about my previous date, it turned her off.
You can’t be expected to walk on eggshells because someone else has mental issues. It’s called excess emotional baggage (sometimes called emotional scares), and some people have to much to be considered a good catch or the pick of the litter! If you will seek out people who are better than you, you’ll have a lot less problems.
If you are a happy and sane person and you do everything right in dating, many bad apples will automatically weed themselves out. As far as my crazy quack lady goes, I’m going to charge her. I’ll put it on her bill!
