I had a car accident a couple of months ago. I was doing fifty-nine miles per hour on an off-ramp on the interstate when out of nowhere, a semi-truck appeared on my back bumper. He was so close to my back bumper, I was certain he would hit me. Sure enough, a few seconds later, he rammed right into the back of my car! Luckily, I was in my Batillac and my alter ego, Jim Carrey, was unscathed. It was like something out of the Steven Spielberg movie Duel, absolutely terrifying. I guess I just was not going fast enough for him on his road.
Road-rage, unfortunately, is a real problem today. People with bad attitudes can be trouble anywhere, particularly in the world of dating and relationships. Can you imagine if you were married to someone with that rotten attitude? Some people spend decades with a poor catch, walking on eggshells day in and day out. As Eddie Murphy might say, “Haters gonna hate”. A person’s like or love for you is separate from their general disposition. People with poor attitudes are not the catch of the day, nor are they the pick of the litter!
The accident took the wind out of my sails and I did not have a date for a couple of months. Yet, there is hope for me. I finally started dating again. I started talking to a nice Christian lady on the Plenty Of Fish dating site, and we arranged a date for this evening – Jim Carrey is back in the dating saddle, and rides again! As Bruce Willis might say, “Yipikaye!”
Featured Columnist Jade Ferguson once said to me: “I don’t know how you do it, Gary – I mean really, seriously? I don’t know how you’re capable of being so casual about the cat-and-mouse game of dating and how – after a date rejects you, or you find out they’re a loser – you can just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move right on to the next woman? It’s as if you’re in an automated dating factory, standing next to an assembly line of various types of women, slowly moving past you on a conveyor belt, and you pick up a specific woman who interests you. When she doesn’t work out, you place her back on the conveyor belt, straighten out your tie, brush your hair back, spray breath freshener in your mouth (à la Lloyd Christmas from Dumb & Dumber!), smile like the Cheshire Cat, and then proceed to check out the other women whizzing past you until you find another one you’re interested in, pick her up from the conveyor belt, and then start the process all over again! It’s as if, even though I know you have emotions with this process, you completely forget about the stress and waste of time the last woman just put you through and then you just keep on going, and going, and going, like the Energizer Bunny, until you find the one woman who is a good match for you.”
The way I’m able to resist dating burnout is by using my intuition to reduce rejection. I simply try to steer clear of people with serious problems or bad attitudes, and get out quicker when a lady lacks interest in me. Why go to the racetrack and bet on a horse that does not look like a winner? If you’ll only date people who are nice, sane, and like you more, you’ll enjoy smoother sailing when it comes to dating and love, all the bubbles will slide harmoniously along the surface. By the way, I’m all for whirled peas! A good attitude is also helpful. This is something you can learn to do also, if you’ll read my book.
Enough with that Debbie Downer stuff, let’s get on with the big show, the date! I talked to Catherine Zeta-Jones on the phone and I suggested we meet at my office, a TGI Friday’s restaurant near her home. I call it my office because I often choose TGI Friday’s. There seems to be one in every town, and historically, they keep the music to a low-roar. I love music, but when first meeting a lady, I like to be able to converse and hear myself think – ya think? However, Catherine said she did not like TGI Friday’s, so I suggested another restaurant which happened to be high-priced; it was the only one I could think of in her area on short notice. Jade Ferguson suggested she is high maintenance, but this was my fault. The last time a woman compared TGI Friday’s to fast food, I found myself paying for an expensive meal at a fancy shmancy restaurant on the beach! A fancy restaurant is fine when you are in love with someone, but it’s not advisable for a first date – a man wants to find out if a woman likes him just as he is, and not for the size of his wallet. Plus, this whole wild and crazy dating thing can get expensive. Still, the man should offer to pay for dinner, women like a generous man. The best women understand tit-for-tat and will pay for a meal here or there, or for show tickets once in a while. Additionally, if a relationship does materialize, the nice ones will even rub your back and cook your favorite meal. There’s nothing like a nice woman in love. Nice women in love do it better.
About an hour before our dinner date, she sent me a text message, suggesting another less expensive restaurant which was located between our two towns, and closer to me, and I accepted that change of plans. Why did she do that? Was it because she did not like the steak house we originally planned on, or was it because she wanted to be more fair? She seemed to be a nice lady based on her messages and telephone conversation. Keep in mind I have experience with some of the nicest ladies on the planet, including social workers. These ladies hob-knob with nuns, think Mother Teresa.
I finally arrived at Bonefish Grill and met Catherine Zeta-Jones. She reminded me of Catherine because of her flowing, thick black hair and Spanish look. We had a nice dinner, and she made me extremely comfortable. I asked her lots of questions to spark conversation and to get her talking. We probably spent half the time talking about food. Many people want to be healthy, and good eating is part of that; we live in a beauty-obsessed society. I asked her why she suggested the change of venue and sure enough, it was because she did not want me to drive farther, she just wanted to be fair.
She finally started to open up and become more comfortable with me about fifteen minutes into the date, when she made a sarcastic jab at me. Ya gotta love women – even the nicest ones will keep a man on his toes! Gentlemen, look at the bright side, at least you’ll never be bored with the beautiful woman.
I was able to slip some of my funniest lines in when she was not looking. I said, “I’m not really bad, just drawn that way” When I’m good I’m great but when I’m bad I’m better” I had her belly laughing at my jokes. That Jim Carrey sure is a character! Why spank you, spank you very much!
- She has two sisters who live in the same state, a brother who lives in Las Vegas, and her parents live a couple of hours away from her.
- She likes yoga, walking, and tennis for exercise. She’s in good shape. I try to stay away from yogurt – if I tried to bend that way, I’d have to call a wambulance!
- She likes swing dancing. Does Jim Carrey like to dance? Does Donald Trump have bad hair days? Do ya smell the coffee date? Women like a man who likes to dance.
She did not offer to help with the dinner bill. There was no touching from her. At the end of the date, we walked down the sidewalk in front of the mall and when we were parallel to her car, she said she had a nice time and that it was nice to meet me. I should have said good night to her right then and there – it’s always better if the man leaves first – that way, he does not wear out his welcome. Playing hard to get doubles love level (If there is any beginning level of attraction). However, I ignored her and suggested we take a walk around the strip mall to check out the other shops and restaurants. As Cartman says, “Whateva, whateva, I do what I want!” She followed my lead without hesitation. A few minutes later we returned to the area where her car was parked. We went for the token hug before we parted company. As I was going in for the hug, I noticed by her eyes and facial expression she did not want to kiss me (at least not yet).
Does she love me, or love me not? It’s hard to say at this point. There was no touching, she did not want to kiss, and I did not receive a text after the date. Usually, a person who likes you will text you sometime after the first date (For gentlemen who are newer to dating, I suggest you call the lady for another date the following week, even if she does not text you). However, she did seem a little nervous at first, it took her a while to open up. Yet, she is an insurance salesperson. Sales people are usually not shy – unless they like a guy and are feeling self-conscious. I’ll see what transpires this week, I’m making these dates up as I go along! Sometimes, you have to go a couple of rounds to find out where their head is at, before you really get to know them; dating is a process. Relationships take two months to forge. It’s not over until the fat lady sings! May all your dates be beautiful and thin, and may the bird of paradise fly up your nose!
