I started talking to Helen Hunt on one of the popular dating sites. As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty! We had some Email friendship chemistry and some good banter between us. At one point, I wrote, “Shhh! I’m hunting wabbit!” She replied, “Okay, I’ll be wery wery quiet!”

I asked her for her telephone number, called her, and set up a first meet. Is the first meet just that, a meeting? Conversely, is it a first date? It probably depends on how well the meet goes. If you feel chemistry, you might prefer to call it a date. If the man is a skeery creeper, you might want to run away and hide! Ladies, you want a keeper not a creeper, a winner not a wiener!

The telephone call and setting up the date went smoothly, like bubbles gliding effortlessly along the surface of a stream. We decided to meet at my office, TGI Friday’s. Based on all the business I bring them, I believe Friday’s should be paying me a referral fee! I suppose I could get one of those TGI Friday’s frequent flyer cards. Perhaps I could rack up enough points by the turn of the century to purchase one measly meal. Winner-winner chicken dinner!

I arrived at the TGI Friday’s mall parking lot right on time. We both texted when we parked. This is a huge parking lot in a metropolitan area. Parkzilla is so large, I think it has it’s own zip code! I was very surprised and amused when I got out of the car and stood up, to see a woman resembling my date, one parking spot over from mine, get out of her car and stand up at the same time as I. Yes, it was my date for the evening! Is she following me, is Helen a stalker, is she a five-stage clinger? Was it fate that we parked so close and got out of our cars at the same time? I don’t think so. The parking lot was pretty full, and the parking space that I chose was the first open one I could see from the main road. It was a cute coincidence though! We giggled about it as we walked together to the restaurant.

After a short wait, we were ushered by the staff to our table, and we talked while waiting to be served. I was happily surprised that I found her attractive. Attraction doesn’t always happen. My ticker takes awhile to warm up, I’m like a slow cooker. Wait a minute, isn’t that supposed to be how women work? Some of these women I meet look like they’ve been beaten with an ugly stick! She’s a professional in the finance field, from Illinois, and lived in Ohio for a period of time. She is still friends with her ex boyfriend from Ohio. She had two long term relationships, a two-year and a three-year relationship. She was never married, and has no children. That’s not much long term relationship experience for a beautiful woman. I think Squint Eastwood has had longer flings!

I made plenty of jokes and quips on this date, as usual. You just can’t take that Jim Carrey character, my alter-ego, anywhere! That silly guy has been kicked out of some places. Yet, in my own defense, I’ve been kicked out of better places than TGI Friday’s!

Speaking of humor, I was in the hospital a month ago for an operation, and I was joking with the nurses while I was on my death bed, er, hospital bed! I would say something silly and then say, “I need to just quit it!” Then a nurse replied, “Nooo, don’t stop!” Then I said, “I need to cut down!” She pleaded, “Nooo, don’t stop!” I muttered, “I need to just stop it!” The nurse replied again, “Nooo, don’t stop!” I love it when they talk dirty to me! Stick a fork in me and call a wambulance, I’m done!

I told Helen that I was a writer, and early in the conversation, she figured out that I was a relationship writer, which lead to some interesting conversation. Some people I meet learn that I’m the love guru, others don’t. It simply depends on where the conversation goes, or the stomach turns!

We had a nice hour-and-a-quarter dinner and the conversation and my shenanigans flowed well. I paid for the dinner and she did not offer to help. This suggests she likes me and is not worried about feeling obligated to me. However, it’s a very small indicator. I was ready to get out of there and stretch my legs, so I was the first to suggest we leave. I lost a little weight earlier this year due to illness. Healthy now, I’m still gaining some weight back. Many people who diet hate me! Everybody has problems! Consequently, I could use a little more meat on my ribs and rear-end. That’s right, I’m a man with no butt! My bottom was sore and I needed to get up from the table and walk. Actually, I’m surprised the women I’ve met after my surgery like my new skinny form. I just thought I’d get my feet wet in dating for the time being, so to speak, until I’ve had the opportunity to gain some weight back.

Helen is a night-owl and we had a late dinner, so it was really past my bedtime at this point. We made our way out of the establishment and to the sidewalk next to the street. I had a couple of drinks during dinner. I always suggest sticking to a two drink maximum. However, I think I might limit myself to one drink from now on. That ripple has quite a kick to it! While waiting for traffic to clear, I got overprotective and touched Helen. Worried that she might jump out in front of a car and commit suicide, I lightly and briefly put my hands on her back and hips. It’s not a good idea for a gentleman to touch a woman much before they are kissing her, unless he knows exactly what he’s doing – and most of the men who think they know what they are doing, really don’t. Can you say octopus man? Evidently, it was only minor infraction and she did not react to it. You ole’ mister smooth, you!

We strolled up to her car and chatted for a moment. Getting the sense that she was ready to leave, we said our goodbyes, and I went in for the goodbye hug, while watching to see if she wanted more, a kiss. She turned her cheek when I was still a mile away from her, so I just gave her a peck on the cheek. It seemed very rehearsed.

I’m afraid with the turning of her cheek before I could even get into missile-range of a kiss, and her statement in her profile that she prefers to be friends first, she might be a user. There are some users who will go out with men they have no romantic interest in. You have to have an open heart for love to blossom in it’s own time. It’s not good to shut it down right from the start. Love is not structured, it’s impulsive. Most happy couples had their first kiss within the first few dates. A kiss is not lovemaking; a kiss is just a kiss. Sure, friendship is part of a romantic relationship; in fact, a relationship is a friendship on fire. When it comes to love, you have to multitask. You become friends and lovers almost simultaneously. Things have to progress. Relationships should develop at a reasonable pace – not too fast, but not too slow either. I’m reminded of the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You don’t want something too hard or too soft. Like Baby Bear’s bed, things have to be just right for there to be a love match.

I should have noticed the red flag statement in her profile, stating that she wants to be “Friends first”, and not contacted her. However, it was nice to have a romantic dinner with a strange woman. That just sounds so wrong! Will Jim Carrey and Helen Hunt meet again? She contacted me after the date, which suggests chemistry, but maybe it’s only friendship chemistry? I might have dinner again with her. However, I’ve gotten mixed signals from her, and mixed signals usually signify a big, fat “No”. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to dating, the world’s biggest cat-and-mouse game.

Click here for more articles →

The dating site claimed that Evie O’Connell was interested in me. As always, real names have been withheld to protect the mommies! Save da mommies! My name is real, as far as you know. Because things were not progressing with Million Dollar Baby, I Continue reading The Mommy Returns – Date One →

Maggie Fitzgerald and I had our third date scheduled for tonight, Wednesday, at six-thirty in the evening. As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty! Read the previous Million Dollar Baby date story This morning, I turned on my cell phone to see a notice of a text from her. Oh no – is she going to cancel the date? – that’s what raced through my mind at first. I was Continue reading Million Dollar Baby – Date Three →

I started talking with Paula Abdul on one of the popular dating sites. As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty! She had an excellent profile…. she sounds like a sane, normal, nice Christian woman. She even mentioned in her profile that she craves banter, as most good women do. Like the Cyndi Lauper song says, Girls Just Want to Have Fun.

On our second day of correspondence, Before I could even ask, she asked me for my phone number. Wow, incoming! I was just complaining to my featured columnist and number one wing woman Jade Ferguson who looks like Xena The Warrior Princess, how I had recently asked a couple of women for their numbers on the second day of messaging and they turned me down. Yet, here is a woman whom I did not even have to ask, she asked me.

She texted me the next day, and I suggested I call her at eight-forty-five, and she remarked, “That’s kinda specific”. She countered with a time of eight-fifty-two, and I thought she was just being factitious! She actually did call me at that time – it turns out that was how long it took her to take a shower! We had a nice chat for an hour, and set a first meet at Longhorn restaurant. I was surprised on the date when she remarked that it was a short phone call. Short to me, and more appropriate, would be ten minutes. Men should call to make a date. In contrast, women often use the telephone to weed out men.

Things went uncharacteristically wrong on my part. On the night of the date, I passed out after lunch, and slept too long. It also took me longer than expected to get ready. By the time I was in the Batallac and ready to drive to our meeting place, I should have been there already. I texted her that I was running ten minutes late. Then, I had to stop at the ATM. On most days, I can usually go right through, but one of the ATM’s was out of order, and there was a line at the the other drive through ATM, so I went inside the bank thinking it would be quicker. Yet, I was foiled again! There was a long line inside the bank, and a lady was having trouble with the ATM machine. I think I could have had a child in the time she was spending at the machine! Disgusted and running late, I decided to walk across the street and use another ATM at a Wally World. Finally ready to go, I took off at warp speed in my Jew canoe to rendezvous with my date for the evening. I sent her some progress report texts along the way. In reply, she sent me a funny meme of a woman with her mouth hanging open!

Paula took the initiative and got us a table. When we met, I gave her the token hug. She had a beautiful face that resembled Paula Abdul to a tee. By the time I sat down at the table with her, I knew that I was attracted to her. Unfortunately, it’s not love at first sight, because she was not in shape. I’m concerned about her health. So, I have some attraction for her, but not a high level of attraction. This might be okay. Looks fade with time, but personality is forever, and most important. In the long run, it’s a woman’s personality that is most important, and what a man has to live with. A beautiful woman gets ugly quick if she’s a Drewish princess.

From our long talk on the phone, she learned that I was a relationship writer, and that prompted a lot of discussion about Love and Disorderly Conduct. She was married for twelve years, has three children, two still living at home. She’s been divorced for eight years, and had a few date stories to tell…… the man in a band that she had a drink with, who, on that first night they met, shared an outlandish fetish of wanting a golden shower! Kids, cover your ears! She also mentioned the man she dated for six months who she bought tickets to a play for, and he stood her up – then he bought her flowers the next day to make up for it. Also, there was the man she met once, who said that twenty-five minutes was to far to go for a relationship…….. yet, he called back two weeks later to propose a swinger relationship. It’s hard to find a gentleman these days! Yet, I must tell you ladies, there are good men out there. Dating is like searching for a needle in a haystack, but you only need one good one.

A huge indicator of Paulas’ attraction for me was the fact that she touched me several times on the date.

I apologized for being late. She did not seem too rattled by my late showing, I think she just likes me too much, which is oh so right. We enjoyed lots of conversation and banter and this date was a marathon, we stayed at Longhorns for four hours, something I almost never do. Normally, my skinny butt starts hurting from sitting after an hour and a half. This is a very good sign, obviously I liked her. However, I was surprised when she categorized me as serious……. sometimes, I get so silly on dates, I run the risk of getting kicked out of places! You just can’t take me anywhere! As I alluded to earlier, although I liked her and could talk to her for hours and we would never run out of things to say, my love level was not super high, probably because she was out of shape. However, that Paula Abdul face that she has is very kissable. Will there be a kiss at the end of this date?

I was also impressed with her positive mindset, she has a very good attitude. Incidentally, she’s a physical therapist.

After our long four hour dinner which seemed to pass way too quickly, we took a stroll around he mall, as I wanted to see an old restaurant in the area. I finally escorted Paula to her soccer-mom vehicle, and before we parted our separate ways to go home for the evening, I gave her the token goodbye hug. Still, that was not enough for me…… I went back for a second hug, and this time, I gave Paula Abdul a peck on her beautiful bee-stung lips! It was good for me! Was it good for you?

After I returned home, Paula texted me, thanking me for the date. This is a very strong signal that another date is a good possibility. This was my very first kiss since being single, a very good sign that I am not on the rebound, and that love is in the air.

Click here for more articles →

Maggie Fitzgerald (as always, names have been changed to protect the guilty!) showed up in my “Meet Me” section on the dating site. This first move by her indicated that she liked my picture. Attraction is the name of the game. Nothing starts until you at least meet a person’s Continue reading Million Dollar Baby – A Date Story →