Q.A reader writes, “I am in my late thirties and am a part-time delivery person, part-time web designer. I would describe myself as funny, smart and good looking enough to find a date (Even though I don’t need one). It’s never been a problem for me to find women, I am no jerk.
I am happily married but have had a few female friends in the past. There was no physical intimacy, no kissing, nothing, even though I would mess with them a little bit verbally, nothing they would not enjoy hearing themselves.
On a couple of these occasions, some of these friends wanted more or it would be over, and it became over. I just won’t cheat on my wife. I just enjoy the company of women more than men, and they are better to the eye when they leave the table to go to the bathroom (I am kidding!).
I recently met a receptionist on my morning route, it was an instant match. Talking, joking, and physical too, even though it’s a no-no. She worked in a very busy lawyer’s office on my route, The phone rings almost constantly, Couriers and customers walk in and out almost non-stop. She is younger than I am at twenty-five but we got along so well.
After a week or so I had to calm her down a little, I think she was getting a little interested, but she would mostly show it off when other people were around. When I was alone with her, She would become slightly nervous it seems. I just told her to be a little more discreet, that we both needed our jobs and we might get someone upset if they think we are flirting on the job, and right after that asked her for lunch someday and she answered “Okay”. I had told her a couple of times that I was married and just wanted to be friends and she seemed okay with that.
So, I left that Wednesday, and the next two days, she wasn’t there. On Friday, I asked the girl at the desk where she was and she told me the girl had been fired for getting into a verbal argument with her manager on Wednesday. I knew she didn’t like it there that much but still my jaw dropped when I heard the news. I only know her full name and the county she lives in and some web searches I did didn’t turn anything big yet. I did find her old address in her previous state and don’t see myself calling some of her relatives to have them call her, I don’t want to look like a psycho. I could, of course, pay a few bucks online and get her phone number, address or email without too much trouble, but should I? If she wants to see me don’t you think she might contact some girls in that office and tell them to give me her number or email? (She had a couple of lunch girlfriends but I don’t know them, it’s a huge office.) I am sure she is more concerned right now about getting a new job, as she lived in a one bedroom apartment with her mother, but when things settle down I imagine she might send a sign. She knows where to find me and I don’t know where she is.
What would you do in my place? Would you drop it, look for her, or wait and see? I really liked her and as far as I know it was mutual, but still I would hate to call her and look like one of these frustrated guys that never get a girlfriend when it’s clearly not the case. On the other hand, if she thinks the same about me, then we are both missing out. She also makes a lot less than me, and funds to drive around on my route just looking for me could become a problem even if she wanted to. What advice can you give me?”
A.How do you think your wife would feel if she heard the way you are thinking and talking? If you are lonely, get some male friends. Something is going to get back to your wife if you keep this up, and how do you think she will feel? You could jeopardize your marriage.
If you would not relate to these girls the same way when in your wife’s presence, then you should not behave that way with women in private. The fact is, you would not act that way in front of your wife, you already admitted you would not treat them the same way in front of the boss. You would not want the boss to get the wrong idea because what you are doing is wrong.
The nature of love is positive. However, jealousy is a negative emotion, and is not the way to treat your spouse in a loving way. She will never find out, you say? That’s what all people think before they are caught with their hands in the cookie jar.
Married people should not be relating to singles of the opposite gender this way in private. If you want to have single female friends, see them only when accompanied by your wife, or in groups of people. With her to chaperone you, perhaps it will keep your behavior under control.
Men can be initially attracted to a large number of women. Yet, one woman can stand out from the crowd, and that’s the kind you marry. To stay married, you have to continue to see her that way, and treat her that special way. If you can’t refrain from loving all the girls at once, do the women of the world a favor, don’t marry any of them.