Q.Featured Columnist Jade Ferguson writes, “I’ve always wondered what men really think when a woman approaches them out of the blue and attempts to strike up a conversation with them. Do they view it as a refreshing change of pace, because they know that a woman who does this is apparently attracted to them? Do they like it because, for a change, it places the vulnerability on the woman and not on them?
Or, does a spontaneous approach from a woman make some men feel emasculated? Does it tread upon their traditional beliefs and practices that the man should be the one to always approach a woman to introduce himself? Do they think that a woman who does this is aggressive, too forward, is not feminine enough or is only looking for a casual encounter?
The question that I would like answered is:
Do men like it when an attractive and/or interesting woman approaches them and starts a friendly conversation?
The world of dating has changed substantially since the nineteen-nineties. Traditional roles of both genders have shifted to certain degrees that some people are comfortable with and welcome with open arms, while others are put off by it and will reject members of the opposite gender who exhibit this type of role reversal. Then there are people who are willing to accept these new changes in the dating scene despite their traditional beliefs of how introductions and socialization between genders should be conducted.
Women have undergone major positive changes in attitudes and practices regarding dating and relationships. Gone are the days when most women adhered to their male-assigned gender role and allowed men to be the aggressor, the provider and the dominant person in a dating situation or relationship. Now that women have their own careers, have been raised in households that value independence and equality and they’re more likely to go after the people and things that they want without hesitation – men are no longer having to always be the ones to place themselves in vulnerable positions with regard to approaching women and dating. A lot of men are now able to enjoy being approached and sometimes being pursued by women as well as getting to experience the feelings of being desired…and being comfortable enough with their masculinity to relinquish the dominant aspect of themselves that they thought they always had to have or have always wanted to have.
In this exciting and sometimes confusing world of online dating and dating people the old fashioned way, all each person has to concern themselves with is finding that one person who will coexist in harmony with them regarding the gender roles that they have both decided to assign themselves to. Until such a moment arrives in their life, they will have to perform the biological dance of courtship rituals that people have been doing since the beginning of time.”
A. Some things have changed. It’s not the nineteen-fifties anymore. Both men and women work now, the man is no longer the primary breadwinner, and women don’t need a husband to support them. They just want men primarily for love (women and men, in fact people, need each other).
I guess my point is, while there have been some changes regarding relationships,
However, most things have not changed in dating for a long, long time, probably for hundreds of years, except for technology, such as online dating, texting, voicemail, and the like. Men have always hit on women more. The courtship dance, the Tango of love, has not changed a much; human nature, and the nature of men and women, has been the same for over ten-thousand years. Why? – because men are more wild, and fall in love faster. Women are so beautiful. When most men see a bikini on the beach, they are already halfway in love (until she opens her mouth and sounds like Fran Drescher!). Plus, women are generally smarter when it comes to dating – they tend to be more intuitive, more aware of the pain of rejection, and so are more reserved and tend to move slower, or wait for the guys to ask first, wait for the men to stick their neck in the guillotine and risk rejection, one of people’s most feared emotions.
However, even though men do most of the chasing, in a large number of successful relationships and marriages, it was actually the woman who approached first, or made some of the biggest first moves.
Women have most of the power when it comes to love and relationships. They have the beauty and better intuition (sometimes called gut feelings). Want proof? – Women file first for divorce two out of three times. This is nothing new, it’s been this way probably as long as records have been kept, since the eighteen-hundreds. So, who really has the upper-hand in relationships? Good for you, you go girl!
Do guys like girls hitting on them? Sure they do, but just like women, they have to be attracted to the person, at least somewhat, and it works better if you go slower. If a man walks up to a strange woman and starts giving her compliments right out of the gate and acts like he just got out of the Sunny Lane penitentiary and has not seen a live woman in ten years, if he’s all over her, she’s likely to recoil. It’s too much, too fast! Slow down, Jeff Gordon!
Everybody is on guard, and asking people out works better when the other person thinks it’s their own idea. When you get more sophisticated, you can work on getting them to ask you out. Like Han Solo said in Return of the Jedi, “Keep your distance, Chewie, but don’t look like you’re trying to keep your distance – I don’t know, just fly casual.” Dating is a ginormous cat-and-mouse game.
It depends on how you approach the person, and whether or not they like you, and it’s best to fly casual. If a guy is in a bar and a woman who looks like Scarlett Johansson sits down beside him and smiles at him, it’s on! Haven’t you ever heard the phrase, “You had me at ‘Hello'”? But if she walks up to him staggering drunk, smelling of booze, puts her knee on the bar stool between his legs and asks, “Is that a rabbit in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”, he might think she has a screw loose!
I was once talking with a guy who played in a band on the weekends. He was trying online dating, and he said that the groupies that would listen to his band play were not his type. In an attempt to talk some sense into him, I said, “So the music is good enough for you to play, good enough for you, but the girls who listen to it are not good enough for you?” Some guys, just like some women, can be too picky. I know that if I were in a band, I’d have more phone numbers than I’d know what to do with. But I don’t think I’d make it in a band, Perry Como’s style of singing is not gonna make the billboard top ten anytime soon!
College and school is one of the best venues to find love. I remember when I was in my writing class at college. It was near the end of the term, and it was time to start on my term paper, so I went to the library to check out some books. I was blindsided when this girl I had never seen before, started a conversation with me. She was a beautiful blonde, and came on strong. Within a few minutes, she asked me if I would come to her beach house and help her with her paper (she wants help alright, but not with her paper!) Like a deer in the headlights, I told her I needed to focus on my own paper, and turned her down.
Days, later, realizing I let a beautiful woman escape, I looked for her in class, but she was nowhere to be found, and the teacher would not give me her number. Apparently, she dropped the class. Lesson learned, class dismissed – always get their number. As long as you have it, you’ll have plenty of time to change your mind later. If you don’t have it, too bad so sad.
I used to sit in the front of the class, and the teacher once read one of my good papers to the class. As it turns out, she was sitting in the back of the class the whole semester, watching me, and had developed a crush on me. But I never saw her, and she came on so strong, I was like a deer in the headlights. So close, and yet so far away. Did I mention dating can be a big cat-and-mouse game?
Another time, I was taking a Business Law class. At the end of class, one of the girls was at the top of the stairs, and yelled something at me. Young women will sometimes get loud in a guy’s presence when they like him, in order to get his attention, as if to say, “Look at me”! So, I walked up the stairs and we had a nice chat, and she asked me for a ride home! Before I could drive out of the parking lot, she asked if I was looking for girlfriend! Now, keep in mind, I spoke to this woman for the first time only five minutes ago. I looked like a deer in the headlights again! It was a little fast and strong. However, we became friends, and are still friends today.
By the way, men are not intimidated by beautiful women. It’s just that some men have run into beautiful women in the past who were not so nice, so that now, they are a little skeptical of these beautiful creatures. They should give them a chance, not all beauty queens are high maintenance (most are).
I would suggest approaching people subtly. I don’t recommend men buy ladies drinks at a bar to get attention. All that tends to do is lighten a man’s wallet. Plus, gifts in the beginning do not build attraction. Instead, use your intuition and try to read people’s body language and facial expressions like a good poker player, to see who likes you first, and give them a chance to approach you first; In other words, use you intuition. Talk is cheap but actions – body language, eyes, and facial expressions tell the true tale, they scream.
I once had two women sitting next to me. One complained about her mascara running. I blurted out, “I’m trying to cut down myself!, which lead to a fun conversation with the two of them. If you are not funny, just be sociable and smile a lot.
I don’t say that women should hit on guys. Why risk rejection when most guys will do it anyway? Yet, if you are not sure you will see them again, somebody has to slide their phone across the bar and say, “Put your number in my phone please”. I’m not here to tell you what to do, I just give people the information. Like Joe Friday would say, “Just the facts ma’am”. You are always your own best counselor, when you rely on your gut feelings.
Do men like being approached by women? – It depends on if they are attracted to you, and how you shake your money-maker. It’s pretty much the same for both men and women. Playing hard to get doubles attraction. Don’t be all hot-to-trot like the hot pepper. Do you know what a hot pepper does? He gets jalapeno face!