Q.A reader writes, “Let’s face the facts, texting has become the new standard when trying to woo a woman’s heart. Believe me, I try to not think this is true as you will probably say, but after getting numbers from numerous women and having them all flake out, the only thing I can attribute the cause to would be texting. I do call and have a good conversation, but you can’t do that with someone you just met every night, it comes across as creepy. So can people do to communicate everyday on a texting basis, that does not come across as needy and smothering to a woman?. Can you give me any advice in regards to becoming a better texter? I’ve been doing this for a whole month now, trying to chat with a woman on an online personal’s site, just to determine if I would like to get her telephone number. I would say we have developed a good rapport, and I did finally get her number. I texted her, and we went back and forth for about three hours (not every five minutes but sparingly), and then she abruptly cut me off with no further response. So, it’s like all that work I put in was for nothing, a total waste of time. Can you show me the path to enlightenment and becoming a better texter?”
A.Gary’s answer – Texting is a great technology for business and family, and a good way send quick message to you wife that your are on your way, or thinking about her. However, it’s not so great for starting a romantic, love relationship. This is because relationships follow certain patterns and have stages. Human nature has evolved over ten-thousand years of face-to-face communication, based not only on words, but body language, facial expressions, voice inflections, and eye movements. You just can’t get that level of communication over a telephone line.
I applaud you on getting the woman’s telephone number, some men can’t even get to this basic stage, so you are doing some things right. However, the way to a woman’s heart is not by becoming a better texter, Dexter, but with real romance, and creating real memories of romantic events. This is called dating. To appreciate this, it would be helpful to understand how love and relationships really work in this day and age of computerized gadgets, planes, trains, and automobiles.
In the case of most successful long term relationships and marriage, the lady has some initial attraction for the man within minutes of seeing him or meeting him. Women are not unlike men in this regard, physical attraction is a necessity for kicking off a relationship (When women say a man was not her type, the bottom line is she was not attracted to him.). Women often like to refer to this as a spark or butterflies. What it really is, is a little bit of love at first sight. Not necessarily head over heels in love yet, but it is the beginning of love, a chance, some starting level of love. We don’t mention the man’s love level, because he’s there, so it’s a given.
The difference between sane men and women is that women don’t feel this initial attraction as often as men do. Additionally, they tend to be more intuitive than men, and look for the complete package – they also need to be attracted to his personality. The compound the differences between men and women, women often fall in love slower than men, and come into the relationship at a lower initial level of attraction. Now you know why men are traditionally said to be the pursuers. Still, sometimes the woman comes into the relationship with a higher love level, and sometimes it’s she who is the pursuer.
Love does not turn on full-tilt right away. It normally takes two months for a woman to fall in love. Men fall a little faster, and are usually a week or two ahead of the woman’s schedule. Some men see a lady on the beach in her bikini and are halfway there. So much for the female being the weaker of the species! Can you see how this can cause the chaos you’ve heard about and probably experienced in the dating world? After a few dates, the man may be asking for the woman to marry him. On the other hand, the woman does not share his high level of love, at least not yet. Therefore, because they are not on the same wavelength romantically, she sees it as weird, and can actually become turned off by a man moving too fast. He’s just expressing his genuine feelings, but if it’s too soon, she sees him as a creep who just got out of the Sunny Lane Penitentiary, a nut who has not seen a woman in ten years! Welcome to the ginormous cat-and-mouse game we call dating and relating.
So what is a man to do? How can he catch Mrs. Right’s heart without scaring her away or turning her off? Many men today are confused and don’t know what to do. Knowledge of relationships and by having self-control to not move faster than her is the answer. In the beginning, a man should mirror her love level in the beginning, and act accordingly. However, in the very beginning when you have only met once and can’t accurately gauge her love level, how is this accomplished? The resounding answer is to move slowly. Rather than call her immediately for a date after you meet, wait a week for love to grow. If she did feel a spark, the foundation you need for a relationship to move ahead, he should wait five days to call for a date. A relationship is built on mutual attraction and having one get-together or date per week. Some people would call this playing hard to get, and it is. Technically, all playing hard to get is, is going slow. If she calls or texts you first, then you mirror her move, talk to her on the phone and schedule a date. This is strategy based on how love and relationships really work in the world today. Additionally, it works everywhere, from Timbuktu to Tennessee. Love is a universal language. Playing hard to get temporarily doubles her love level. Only fools rush in. Let the person who is against love make the first objection. Go ahead, make my day!
Incidentally, to some extent, dating and finding a mate is a numbers’ game for men. Women hold the power of beauty for the most part, a large number of men can be attracted to and might be inclined, if given the chance, to kiss a wide range of women. The trick is in finding one who wants to kiss the man back. To become more attractive to a larger number of women, dress nicely. get a woman friend to help you, or while shopping at the mall, ask a random lady to help. If she is your type, kill two birds with one stone and ask her for her telephone number. Nice women, the only kind which are good relationship material, are helpful when they like you. Also, you can workout to improve your physical appearance. Finally, the secret to loosing wight is working out to burn calories, and changing your lifestyle, the way you eat – eat smaller portions. Input equals output, and although it’s not easy, it’s not rocket science. Beauty challenged women can also do this.
In addition to only initiating one date a week, here are some other tips for playing hard to get:
1) Don’t give too many compliments – one or two per night is sufficient. If she gives you a compliment, that’s the best sign of attraction. Don’t talk about looks or her body shape or size, you are likely to get yourself in trouble. You can say, “You look nice!”
2) When meeting for the first time after talking on an internet dating site, it’s okay to drive separately to a public place to meet for a coffee date or dinner for up to two times. By date three, you want to pick her up at her house and be the gentleman with a plan and take her out on a fun date. Open doors, pull out her chair for her, order her food, and keep the jokes clean, no potty jokes (if she is school or college age, she may respond to the jokes with cuss words. So much for class!). If you are drinking alcohol, stick to a two-drink maximum. Don’t ask to go into her home at the end of the date to pee like all the other losers she has dumped before you.
Watch the movies To Catch a Thief and Charade staring Carry Grant. Notice how he is a classy gentleman and banters with the ladies and plays hard to get. Act like Carry Grant meets Jim Carrey or Robin Williams, just insert your own clean jokes. Today, women are charmed by a humorous, fun, gentleman. Do you smell what I’m cooking?
3) No TMI (Too Much Information) – Resist the urge to tell your date your whole autobiography on date one. The popular psychology of today which says you should tell her everything right out of the gate could not be more wrong on this point. You have a lifetime of experiences, both good and bad, but only a limited time with your date in comparison. The best you can do is give her a limited view of yourself. It’s as if she is trying to view the whole world all at once through a window, it cant be done. The only thing you will do by sharing negatives is to break even in the best case scenario. However, more often than not, negative things will turn her off. Instead of treating her like your shrink and telling her all of your past transgressions, choose to share the positive things about yourself. If you want to get something off your chest, plop yourself on your counselor’s couch, but don’t bury you date under a pile of dirty laundry, it’s as distasteful
as it sounds. Positive thoughts and love go together, as does a hint of mystery. Like a good Hollywood movie which keeps us guessing, it keeps them coming back for more.
4) Let her do most of the talking – Women get emotional satisfaction from talking. Make sure you maintain eye contact and pretend you are really interested in what she is talking about, even if you don’t have a clue! Ask a question to start or continue stimulating the conversation. You have two ears and one mouth, so be a good listener.
5) Don’t give gifts for two months – After two months, after she is in love with you, then you can give her gifts, when they are special and actually mean something. What has she done for you lately?
6) Don’t call her immediately after the date – Don’t call or text her right after the date to tell her what a great time you had. At this point, you should be enjoying the memory of it, not acting needy. Would you call your friend after to tell them what a good time you had, wasn’t he there? Romantic relationships are a friendship on fire, with romance and affection to turn up the heat. Again, if you smother her, you could actually turn her off. If she contacts you after the date, which is a great sign of her rising love level, mirror her and call her within twenty-four hours to set the next date.
7) No Touching – One of the funnest things that women talk and joke about regarding dating are the nice-guy losers who move too fast and have their hands all over them like an octopus when they first meet or on a first date. Would you like to forever be known in some circles as that creepy octopus man? I’m not talking about putting your hand on her shoulder to get her attention in a noisy room or holding her hand when walking down the stairs to steady her when has heels on, those innocent touches are fine. I’m talking about affection. Let the woman touch you first, and then mirror her moves by responding in kind or a little less. This, and the mirroring her love level and playing hard to get as I have described herein, reduce or eliminate the pain of rejection, and give love the best chance to bloom. What’s not to like, hot-lips?
8) Kiss her within the first three dates – If you do not kiss her within three dates, you’ll likely end up in friends’ zone. Once a friend, always a friend. I know, it’s a big move, one of the biggest moves in a budding relationship you will ever make. If you have no guts, there is no glory. Don’t ask her, that’s turnoff, it has to seem spontaneous. There is no way to segue-way into it, you just have to lean in and go for it. See how long she holds it and judge the quality of her love level by it. If she turns her head and the get a fur-ball of hair, she’s not attracted enough to you to kick off a relationship, and probably never will be. However, take heart, there are more fish in the sea, and you only need one good one. If you are not kissing, you are just wishing!
9) Circular dating – Some people who have very good intuition and who are very skilled with people seldom date, and rarely have more than three dates without it turning into a relationship. However, for people who have challenges with finding the one, psychologists for a long time now, have recommended dating up to three people at a time. This has been referred to as circular dating. The major advantage to circular dating is that you have others to think about, this will ease the pain if someone does reject you.
10) Use your intuition – Above all, use your intuition, gut feelings, to judge her love level. Watch her body language, facial expressions, eyes and hand gestures, and see if they match her words. Watch the movie Rounders. In this way, you’ll be able to mirror her love level toward you, and not move too fast and avoid stepping on her toes in the dating dance. Actions don’t speak louder than words, actions scream.
Even though women have the primary power in dating and relationship (two-thirds of divorce fillings are by women first since the eighteen-hundreds – ladies, this is a feather in your cap, good for you!), now, with the power of knowledge of how love and intuition works, men can compete favorably. You can now reject the woman first if she does not measure up. In most cases, he who rejects first is the only one to exercise his freewill, and he who rejects first feels better. When the love plane is going down, there is only one parachute. There is some competition and risk for rejection in dating and relationships, it’s just the nature of the beast. By reading my articles, you’ll learn how to turn the tide, to avoid rejection, heartache, and pain, and find love more easily.
Texting is not playing hard to get, nor does it raise love levels. Remember, if she is attracted to you, if you are doing the right things, and waiting a week to call for a date, during that time, she is thinking about you, wondering what this mysterious man is up to. Women who are not attracted to you don’t dwell on you – in fact, you are lucky if she remembers your name! However, if she is thinking about you and is sane, she is falling for you. Do you smell the coffee date?