I met Olivia Wilde and I had an unusual first date four months ago  – I actually met her at her home. As usual, names have been changed to protect the naughty ones! I’m not naughty, as far as you know! It was a nice date and the goodnight kiss was promising.

However, following that first date Continue reading The Wilde West – Date Twoo →

Date one with Joy Behar was promising and included a goodnight kiss. As an encore, since she liked the outdoors, I suggested we go on a hiking day trip in the Florida Everglades. She had just moved down here, to her old hometown, from Connecticut. I suggested I pick her up, but she declined, claiming that she did not want to bother her control freak landlord with calling down to the guardhouse to let me in her condo-commando gated community. This could be a bad omen. While it’s okay for a woman to meet a man twice, I’d like to see more love level.

So I picked out a restaurant that was on the way, another Flanigan’s. Perhaps Flanigan’s should be my new office? I gave her the telephone number of the restaurant so she would have the correct location and be able to google the address and directions. It’s easier to write a telephone number than an address, it’s shorter. I was surprised when she asked for the address. Does she think I’m her baby-daddy? Will there be baby-mamma drama on date tru?

We met for lunch at Flanigain’s and were seated on the water. It was a picture-perfect day, absolutely beautiful and mild, with clear blue skies to die for. We could not have picked a better day for a day-trip. We laughed and smiled and toasted as we ate lunch, and enjoyed light, cheerful conversation.

After lunch, we left in my car and drove deep into the heart of the Everglades. She was surprised when we drove as far as the county line. We got out of my car and hiked one of the beautiful paths in the Everglades. There was an endless sea of grass, with the backdrop of a breathtaking Prussian blue horizon which beckoned us to watch the splendor unfold. Birds greeted us with song. We saw turtles, alligators, fish, and butterflies. It was as if the whole Everglades was at our feet, teaming with life, ours for the taking.

As we were walking hand-in-hand down one of the paths, she remarked that this would be a good place for an axe-murderer to take an unsuspecting woman! This thought had crossed my mind, but I did not mention it. It’s not the smartest date for woman who does not know a man. However, I’m the wuv guru, so it’s okay! Don’t try this at home kids. I told her I only wanted to kill her with a kiss.

She was a little worried about the alligators, and I quipped that I could tie a rope around her and use her as bait! It’s all fun and games until somebody looses an eye (or a limb?)! I motioned for her to come down the side of the levee with me, but she was skeered. She asked, “Could there be alligators in those tall weeds beside the path?” I told her, “No, the Alligators stay in the water or on the water’s edge. I’ll go first and you follow behind.” She asked, “Will you protect me?” I remarked, “Dat’s my yob!” I spotted several large-mouth bass near the surface, just teasing us, including a rather large one, and I pointed them out to her. Too bad we left our fishing poles in the Batillac. We also saw some beautiful, majestic White Herons.

Joy wanted to take some pictures and use one for a template to paint a picture for her son. We drove further down a long and winding road so I could take her to a secret spot. When we parked, there was a truck parked next to a tree, and a curious bird was pecking at the trucks’ side view mirror. The wittle sparrow must have mistaken his reflection for a rival bird. What a bird-brain!

We walked across a high bridge over a river and walked deep into the heart of the unspoiled Everglades. We saw beautiful open-water clearings amidst banks of cattails, a perfect picture-taking opportunity. As we walked a little further, disgusted by our intrusion, a baby alligator slid off the bank into the water. Every time we would come to an open-water area between the grass, a pair of Ring-necked ducks, startled, would fly up into the great blue sky.

Tired after walking the levies, we returned to the car and I took Joy to a fishing pier. We broke out the fishing rods and sat on the edge of the pier and fished in a deep, tannic, mysterious river. We saw lots of Sail-fin catfish, not native to north america, and not on the menu, I might add. They are algae-eaters, and we were hunting for bear – fishing with lures for those great, green, elusive, largemouth bass which lurk just beneath the glare on the waters’ surface – so close and yet so far. I spotted a Tilapia near the shoreline and pointed it out to her, but she did not believe me. “Those are Asian fish”, she explained. I told her they were imported, not indigenous to the area.

I gave her a couple of spinning rod tips and she was soon fishing like a professional. I had a bite from a fish and I set the hook like a madman. A huge Bass broke the still surface of the water, and was dancing in the sunlight on the end of my fishing line, it was very exciting! No sooner had the excitement started, and it was over in a flash as that mondo bass shook and spit out my hook. Later on, I would have a repeat performance – I had another fish hit, jump, and spit the hook back at me as well, as if to say, “Catch me if you can!” At least we got to see a couple of fish. That’s why they call it fishing and not catching! By the way, I once caught a fish which was so big, when I lifted it out of the water, the lake level dropped!

Tired after a long day of hiking and fishing, we made the long drive toward home. On the way, Joy asked me if I wanted to go down to the beach for the evening, but I already had a long day and too much fun in the sun.

We went back to our starting point, our base, and had dinner at Flanigan’s. I ordered the lemon-pepper Tilapia. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and then I eat it! I had a couple of drinks at dinner, which in retrospect was probably not encouraging to a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. During dinner, a few red flags came out. She mentioned a second time that she recently dated a man who dropped her, he was on the rebound. She’s still friends with him. I think she is on the rebound.

As I revealed in date one, Joy said that she was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. This time, I got to hear more of her story. It seems that Joy had done some drugs in the past, and was a lifelong alcoholic. Additionally, she gave speeches at halfway houses to former drug addicts. Of course, her story reminded me of one of my date stories. I was telling her about a past date who had previously been arrested for selling cocaine. Joking, I said, “That’s right, my girlfriend was a crazy quack lady!”

We finished a nice dinner and I escorted Joy to her car. Before we parted company, I gave Joy the killer kiss. I started with a kiss on her luscious lips. Then, I worked my way down, across her cheek, down her neck and to her collarbone, with gentle, sensual kisses. To make sure she knew that this first world tour of kisses was not an accident, I made a repeat performance and kissed her again, from the bottomus to the topomus! The last time I kissed a woman like this, she demanded I make love to her on the next date.

I did not have any contact with joy until the morning after. Will she still wuv me in the morning? I received an Email from Joy, and unfortunately, she claimed that we were not compatible.

The moral of this story is, don’t ever mention a quack lady around a crazy quack lady! I assume that when I joked about my previous date, it turned her off.

You can’t be expected to walk on eggshells because someone else has mental issues. It’s called excess emotional baggage (sometimes called emotional scares), and some people have to much to be considered a good catch or the pick of the litter! If you will seek out people who are better than you, you’ll have a lot less problems.

If you are a happy and sane person and you do everything right in dating, many bad apples will automatically weed themselves out. As far as my crazy quack lady goes, I’m going to charge her. I’ll put it on her bill!

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I signed up for the online dating site Match. Match is the best site for men. If you write a great profile with nothing serious or negative, and have good pictures, all men have to do to get a great response rate is to update their profile every day. Updating your profile puts you in the top of the search results. Then, you just sit back and let the wimmin come to you. Simply message the women who have viewed your profile and you’ll have an excellent response rate.

One Saturday night I messaged a southern belle who had viewed my profile and I had a flirty and fun conversation with her. She cheekily said, “Are you gonna come a courtin’?” Within a half-hour, I had Olivia Wilde’s telephone number and we were bantering on the phone together, having a telephone date of sorts. I give good phone! As always, names in this date story of yesteryear have been changed to protect the guilty! We continued to text and talk on the telephone for a week, and we set up a date for the weekend. Olivia has three kids, and has been divorced for two years. The nature of her ex’s work puts him in a power position, he is a control freak. Narcissists are one of the major causes of divorce.

Unfortunately, our plans for our weekend date did not pan out. However, Olivia and I kept talking. Olivia does not have a vehicle now, she lost her car in the divorce, she’s still picking up the pieces. Originally, we had agreed that I would pick her up from her apartment and take her to dinner for our first meet. I normally recommend that ladies meet a man in a public place at first, so that they can judge his character through body language. People are strangers until they meet. Since Olivia did not have a car, I had to improvise. Don’t try this at home! It’s okay, I’m the quintessential gentleman. Like Slick Willy would say, “I never touched that woman!” I’ve picked up a woman for a first meet on a few occasions, yet, it’s very rare. One of my first online dates I picked up from her apartment, but we had extensive phone conversations. Another woman was bipolar, that one does not count! Still, when I arrived at her home, her daughter-in-law was present to take down my name and address. Yet another woman, was a tryout for the United States Olympic running team – I picked her up in front of her condominium, and there was a mall cop present. Additionally, the Olympian, just like Million Dollar Baby the former boxer, could have whipped my butt! Some of these first meetings are reasonable.

Women can be just as dangerous as men, with weapons and the element of surprise. There have been incidents where a woman has enticed a stranger, thinking he was going to get some quick kissing, to meet at her car in a dark parking lot. Before the man can get close to the woman, a couple of men mug him.

With trepidation, I arranged to pick up Chinese food for Olivia and her children. The big question burning a hole in your bwain is, why would a woman let stranger-danger into her home with her children? Is she crazy, or is there a reasonable explanation?

I walked up to Olivia’s apartment and rang the doorbell. I was pleasantly surprised when the lady of the house opened the door. She looked like the actress Olivia Wilde from the movie Cowboys and Aliens, she was absolutely stunning. To my surprise, she tried to kiss me on the lips, right out of the gate, but I turned my head and gave her the cheek. Holy blunder, Batman, I blew the first kiss. Is there any hope for our hero? Hold on to your hat, Kemosabe, this date is just beginning.

I met her smallest child, Joey, first. I knelt and gave him a big hug. Children are wonderful, they are extra wittle people to wuv you. Olivia and her three kids sat down with me at the kitchen table for dinner. I took the opportunity to say grace at dinner. “Lord, bless this food and we who eat it, amen!” That’s an old cowboy prayer. Jim Carrey, my alter-ego was as silly as ever, and I created an instant bond with her children, they all loved me (Sometimes it can take up to two years for kids to warm up to a new man). The eldest girl was sharing her cooking blunder stories. Then it happened. I found out why Olivia was so open to letting this strange Jim Carrey wannabe into her home. Her eldest son asked me, “Do you shoot?” Comically, I replied, “Shoot what? Guns? Photography? Bow and Arrow? Fish in a barrel?” Her son proceeded to tell me that both he and his mother go to the gun range together. Then Bronco Billy showed me their gun collection. I touched them (the pistols). Get your mind out of the gutter! If a stranger made one false move, this pistol packin’ mamma could turn me from a rooster to a hen with one shot! In light of this, Olivia inviting a stranger into her home was reasonable. She’s not crazy.

After a wonderful dinner filled with laughter and smiles, the whole family and I retired to the living room to watch a Movie. Olivia was showing me pictures of her sister who lives in the same apartment complex. I said, “I can’t see it very well, I forgot my reading glasses.” Joey, who was sitting next to me on the couch, got up and disappeared into the kitchen. It seems I had left my glasses on the kitchen counter, and Joey retrieved them for me. This date is like something right out of a Norman Rockwell painting, I feel so comfortable with this family, it’s as if I have finally come home.

After the movie, not wanting to wear out my welcome, I remarked that it was getting late, and that I should probably mosey on home. Olivia escorted me to my Jew Canoe. We noticed that her front door was open, and sure enough, Joey was not far behind us! Joey sticks to his wittle mamma like glue, and has to be the center of attention! I fully expected this wittle man to say to me, “What are your intentions with my mother, sir!”

When I reached for Olivia to kiss her, she gave me her cheek, just as I had done at the top of the evening. Not wanting this wittle filly to get away from me without a proper kiss goodnight, this gunslinger gently gwabed Olivia again and planted one right on her luscious lips, and she tried to suck my bottom lip off! Joey, cover your eyes! Annie Oakley is gunning for me!

Olivia promised to rent a car just to come and pick me up for the next date. She is a nice lady and likes me way too much which is oh so right. I knelt and gave Joey a big goodbye hug. What a wonderful old-fashioned date.

As I sped away down the valley toward home, like the ending of the old western movie Shane, I could almost hear Joey crying out into the long dark night, “Shane, Shane! Come back! Bye, Shane.”

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I started talking to Helen Hunt on one of the popular dating sites. As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty! We had some Email friendship chemistry and some good banter between us. At one point, I wrote, “Shhh! I’m hunting wabbit!” She replied, “Okay, I’ll be wery wery quiet!”

I asked her for her telephone number, called her, and set up a first meet. Is the first meet just that, a meeting? Conversely, is it a first date? It probably depends on how well the meet goes. If you feel chemistry, you might prefer to call it a date. If the man is a skeery creeper, you might want to run away and hide! Ladies, you want a keeper not a creeper, a winner not a wiener!

The telephone call and setting up the date went smoothly, like bubbles gliding effortlessly along the surface of a stream. We decided to meet at my office, TGI Friday’s. Based on all the business I bring them, I believe Friday’s should be paying me a referral fee! I suppose I could get one of those TGI Friday’s frequent flyer cards. Perhaps I could rack up enough points by the turn of the century to purchase one measly meal. Winner-winner chicken dinner!

I arrived at the TGI Friday’s mall parking lot right on time. We both texted when we parked. This is a huge parking lot in a metropolitan area. Parkzilla is so large, I think it has it’s own zip code! I was very surprised and amused when I got out of the car and stood up, to see a woman resembling my date, one parking spot over from mine, get out of her car and stand up at the same time as I. Yes, it was my date for the evening! Is she following me, is Helen a stalker, is she a five-stage clinger? Was it fate that we parked so close and got out of our cars at the same time? I don’t think so. The parking lot was pretty full, and the parking space that I chose was the first open one I could see from the main road. It was a cute coincidence though! We giggled about it as we walked together to the restaurant.

After a short wait, we were ushered by the staff to our table, and we talked while waiting to be served. I was happily surprised that I found her attractive. Attraction doesn’t always happen. My ticker takes awhile to warm up, I’m like a slow cooker. Wait a minute, isn’t that supposed to be how women work? Some of these women I meet look like they’ve been beaten with an ugly stick! She’s a professional in the finance field, from Illinois, and lived in Ohio for a period of time. She is still friends with her ex boyfriend from Ohio. She had two long term relationships, a two-year and a three-year relationship. She was never married, and has no children. That’s not much long term relationship experience for a beautiful woman. I think Squint Eastwood has had longer flings!

I made plenty of jokes and quips on this date, as usual. You just can’t take that Jim Carrey character, my alter-ego, anywhere! That silly guy has been kicked out of some places. Yet, in my own defense, I’ve been kicked out of better places than TGI Friday’s!

Speaking of humor, I was in the hospital a month ago for an operation, and I was joking with the nurses while I was on my death bed, er, hospital bed! I would say something silly and then say, “I need to just quit it!” Then a nurse replied, “Nooo, don’t stop!” Then I said, “I need to cut down!” She pleaded, “Nooo, don’t stop!” I muttered, “I need to just stop it!” The nurse replied again, “Nooo, don’t stop!” I love it when they talk dirty to me! Stick a fork in me and call a wambulance, I’m done!

I told Helen that I was a writer, and early in the conversation, she figured out that I was a relationship writer, which lead to some interesting conversation. Some people I meet learn that I’m the love guru, others don’t. It simply depends on where the conversation goes, or the stomach turns!

We had a nice hour-and-a-quarter dinner and the conversation and my shenanigans flowed well. I paid for the dinner and she did not offer to help. This suggests she likes me and is not worried about feeling obligated to me. However, it’s a very small indicator. I was ready to get out of there and stretch my legs, so I was the first to suggest we leave. I lost a little weight earlier this year due to illness. Healthy now, I’m still gaining some weight back. Many people who diet hate me! Everybody has problems! Consequently, I could use a little more meat on my ribs and rear-end. That’s right, I’m a man with no butt! My bottom was sore and I needed to get up from the table and walk. Actually, I’m surprised the women I’ve met after my surgery like my new skinny form. I just thought I’d get my feet wet in dating for the time being, so to speak, until I’ve had the opportunity to gain some weight back.

Helen is a night-owl and we had a late dinner, so it was really past my bedtime at this point. We made our way out of the establishment and to the sidewalk next to the street. I had a couple of drinks during dinner. I always suggest sticking to a two drink maximum. However, I think I might limit myself to one drink from now on. That ripple has quite a kick to it! While waiting for traffic to clear, I got overprotective and touched Helen. Worried that she might jump out in front of a car and commit suicide, I lightly and briefly put my hands on her back and hips. It’s not a good idea for a gentleman to touch a woman much before they are kissing her, unless he knows exactly what he’s doing – and most of the men who think they know what they are doing, really don’t. Can you say octopus man? Evidently, it was only minor infraction and she did not react to it. You ole’ mister smooth, you!

We strolled up to her car and chatted for a moment. Getting the sense that she was ready to leave, we said our goodbyes, and I went in for the goodbye hug, while watching to see if she wanted more, a kiss. She turned her cheek when I was still a mile away from her, so I just gave her a peck on the cheek. It seemed very rehearsed.

I’m afraid with the turning of her cheek before I could even get into missile-range of a kiss, and her statement in her profile that she prefers to be friends first, she might be a user. There are some users who will go out with men they have no romantic interest in. You have to have an open heart for love to blossom in it’s own time. It’s not good to shut it down right from the start. Love is not structured, it’s impulsive. Most happy couples had their first kiss within the first few dates. A kiss is not lovemaking; a kiss is just a kiss. Sure, friendship is part of a romantic relationship; in fact, a relationship is a friendship on fire. When it comes to love, you have to multitask. You become friends and lovers almost simultaneously. Things have to progress. Relationships should develop at a reasonable pace – not too fast, but not too slow either. I’m reminded of the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You don’t want something too hard or too soft. Like Baby Bear’s bed, things have to be just right for there to be a love match.

I should have noticed the red flag statement in her profile, stating that she wants to be “Friends first”, and not contacted her. However, it was nice to have a romantic dinner with a strange woman. That just sounds so wrong! Will Jim Carrey and Helen Hunt meet again? She contacted me after the date, which suggests chemistry, but maybe it’s only friendship chemistry? I might have dinner again with her. However, I’ve gotten mixed signals from her, and mixed signals usually signify a big, fat “No”. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to dating, the world’s biggest cat-and-mouse game.

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The dating site claimed that Evie O’Connell was interested in me. As always, real names have been withheld to protect the mommies! Save da mommies! My name is real, as far as you know. Because things were not progressing with Million Dollar Baby, I Continue reading The Mommy Returns – Date One →