Q.A lady reader writes, “I was told today by a matchmaker that successful, intelligent executives want women who are on the medium to higher maintenance side. For example, they do their hair, wear makeup, heels, and wear pretty clothes. They aren’t interested in earthy women, I like me I suppose. The men she set me up on dates with said I didn’t seem to spend much time getting ready to meet them. I didn’t wear makeup (once I didn’t – I met him for a coffee while I was running my son’s birthday party at the pool). She told me it wasn’t that they were looking for a woman twenty years younger, rather, they were looking for women who were more sophisticated.
On one of my initial coffee dates, the man looked at me and immediately decided I didn’t look good enough for him. So, I’ve met four men and I’ve had no second dates, I’m zero for four. So what are men really looking for in a woman in today’s dating scene?”
A.Your matchmaker seems to be confused on a couple of issues, namely, what high maintenance means. This is not surprising, as the vast majority of other relationship experts really don’t have a handle on what it takes to really make a relationship or marriage work. Specifically, they don’t understand how love works. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high in America today? However, you are in the right place, I have those answers for you today.
High maintenance, when it comes to love and relationships, refers to somebody who is difficult to get along with and takes a lot of prompting. Some of the highest maintenance people are control freaks – think Army Drill Sargent. A relationship is not going to be much fun if you are walking on eggshells all the time, afraid that the person could explode in anger at the drop of a hat. Relationships take a little work, some maintenance. In fact, relationships can be fragile, as evidenced by the high divorce rate. To make matters worse, not all the other marriages and relationships out there are happy ones. That leaves healthy long term relationships in the minority.
Part of the confusion might stem from the fact that the more attractive a person is, the better their genes, the higher the chance they are high maintenance. This is because many beautiful people have been catered to throughout their lives. Yet, there are always exceptions to the rule, and just because a woman wears makeup and goes to the spa does not necessarily mean she is high maintenance. In fact, beauty, by itself, is not high maintenance – it’s actually low maintenance, as you will soon see.
Two of the major things you need for a relationship to stand the test of time are love and low maintenance, which are mutually exclusive. When somebody falls in love with you, their core personality does not change; people come to you as they are, what you see is what you get. And the the higher maintenance they are, the harder to get along with they are, the higher your chance of breakup or divorce. You could think of their attitude as relationship skills, and love as the motivation. Now, the good thing about love, the more there is, the higher their love level, the better. Love is like payment, and maintenance is the work. When in love with a low maintenance person who loves you back, that payment often supersedes the workload. It’s good work if you can get it! Would a person in love with their partner ever want a divorce? On the other hand, if they are too high maintenance, the relationship workload may exceed the value, the love you feel, and it’s in those circumstances that we often fall out of love with a person, which eventually leads to them throwing in the towel and having a breakup or divorce, or at best, a crummy life with a virtual roommate if you stay just for the sake of the kids.
So how does women making themselves more attractive fit into all this? Attraction is actually a good thing. If Agnes Bruckner walked into a home, would the man of the house need Viagra? Do you smell the coffee? It’s a coffee date for sure! This is a positive for a man. The more attractive she makes herself, the more the man can love her, the more valuable she is. That said, generally, the more attractive a woman is, the more high maintenance they tend to be because of all the guys who have catered to her through life and spoiled her rotten. But there are always exceptions to the rule. Can a woman have too many shoes? As long as she does not break the bank, no way Jose! Men should strive to get good jobs or start a business. Women marry up. If you want to play with women, you’d better know the rules. Just remember not to fall in love with material things; love people, not stuff. Things and money cannot buy you love, so please keep things in perspective.
Beauty is a woman’s power, so put on that clown makeup and wear those butt-lift shoes ladies! As long as she does not break the bank or is not always fashionably late, it’s actually low maintenance. She’s putting the work into being lovely and that naturally raises a mans’ love level. Plus, she will feel better about herself too. What’s not to like?
If attraction and love where not important, their would be no homeless people; everyone would be taking them into their homes and beds. So much for the people who say, “It’s only lust”, and so much for unconditional love! If you think attraction is not a part of love, marry the ugly old lady with green teeth who lives in the alley behind the corner bar! Do you know what’s good about marrying an ugly woman? If she ever leaves you, who cares?
To increase your odds of having a healthy, happy long term relationship, you want to look for three major things in a prospective mate:
1) Low maintenance, the lower the better
2) A minimum of personal liabilities, such as good a good body and mind, and no vices like alcoholism or gambling (there are more personal liabilities, these are just an example).
3) Mutual love, which includes attraction.
So go ahead ladies, put on the clown makeup, at least for date night, and buy those butt-buster shoes! Don’t worry, if you collect too many shoes to fit in your closet, when you catch a good man, he’ll help you buy another house with a bigger closet. Now that’s what I call win-win. In life, you just can’t have too much love, or too many shoes! It’s all about the shoes.